astitchaway's Diaryland Diary



I haven't abandoned you. Don't worry. I've just abandoned myself.

I started therapy in the hope that I would get in touch with some of my issues. Only to realize I had no friends and the love in my life only claims to want to know what's going on. That I ultimately have no one to try and impress - long story short. So I stopped going. I don't need to better myself so my friends will want to spend time with me. If they don't like me, that's their problem isn't it? And if the "love" in my life can't take three minutes out of his day to go and read a journal entry on a public blog that would explain all my thoughts... Does he really love me?

That sounds juvenile as I type it out. "He didn't check my blog so he doesn't love me." But it's more than that. He says he wants to know what's going on in my life. He says he wants me to talk. So I give him the link to my inner thoughts to give him a little insight and he doesn't bother visiting Clarity. I understand he wants to hear it all directly from me, but I'm not good under pressure. I need to write my feelings down in order for them to make sense. He knows that. He knows I can't talk face to face. I can't, express myself without interruptions when I'm looking someone in the eye, sitting in an always crowded (yet somehow empty feeling) room.

I have my best conversations with strangers on the internet. They know me better than the people I see face to face.

Because these words define me. They are who I am. If you don't want to read these words, you don't want to get to know me. If you don't want to get to know me, how can you possibly claim to love me?

It's just the way my brain works. It's what I hoped I'd work out in therapy. But I'm comfortable, ish, with how my brain chooses to function. I'm not changing for anyone anymore. I've done enough changing. I've tried enough to be a better version of everything I am.

I quit drinking for this love. I quit anonymous interests with men I met at random. I stopped putting myself in untrustworthy situations. I'd be proud if I quit any of it for myself, but I didn't. I made all these changes for him.

Is three minutes really that much to ask?

5:56 p.m. - 2016-09-01


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