astitchaway's Diaryland Diary



I have become a stranger to myself and everyone. At least I have the decency to remove myself where the option is presented. It no longer feels ethical to keep the people I once had around me. To be the vampire, draining life out of even the most hopeful soul. I've forced all the people who once cared about me to stop, because there's nothing they can do to help me. Now, when they reach out, I can feel the strain. I can tell they only do so out of a sense of obligation. These people are too sweet to turn their backs on me. But I'm not too proud to disappear. This was my signature move when I was a teenager. I'd disappear until I felt like I had a good bead on things. Then I'm get back in touch with the people who mattered the most to me. I only realized recently how selfish that always was. The people I leave behind, by choice or a drift or time, are not the same people when I think I'm ready. Now I've realized, I'll never be ready, and the only people I want to keep close are the ones that were never far to begin with.

I'm coming back here, to these pages, to share the words that received critique everywhere else. I'm coming back to the arms of the text box that has always felt like home. Safe and secure. A place that will always be inviting, cozy. Private. Although I know my words can be seen by those who choose to read them, it's not an obligation. You can follow along or you can skim and move along. You are making that choice. I don't want friendships that bound you to force a smile and fake concern. If the smile is real, I'm pleased. If the concern is genuine, I'll vent. You can come and go as you please. Please don't ever think of me as an obligation.

10:42 p.m. - 2018-09-16


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