astitchaway's Diaryland Diary


Oh mistress, how I've missed you

This is the only space I can escape. This box is like my mistress... I only need her once in a while, but when I call, she knows it's life or death. I wouldn't come crawling in if I didn't have a heart too heavy for the weight on it. She pats my head and tells me it's going to be okay, even before I tell her what's wrong.

The problem is I fell in love, but it feels more like a curse than a gift. Not with my metaphorical mistress but someone in real life.

I didn't tell him how I felt. I wanted to, but I was so tongue tied. I couldn't see the point either. He's married and I'm committed. I didn't see the difference it could possibly make.

Then we hooked up, and he asked me what it meant to me.

I could have told him but I said it meant nothing. He wasn't satisfied with the answer, like he knew the truth deep down.

I sound like a poorly written reality show with the next part...

His wife is cool with us hooking up, so is my significant other. But my ex got upset because this guy is his best friend.

Part of me thinks that the only reason I'm holding back.

Then again my brain says it doesn't matter. The guy doesn't need to know how I feel. He already said we'd chalk it up to a fun time and leave it at that. It's over, right? It won't make a difference to tell him I love him. That I have for years but was too afraid of that exs reaction to ever take action.

I guess it would make a difference to me. I guess it would be a relief to know it was at least out there. You know, put the ball in someone else's court.

But I'm a control freak. I'm keeping the ball because with the ball, I have the power. Without it, I might lose the game.

And maybe it has nothing to do with that ex and everything to do with my fear of emotional rejection.

Why can't sex ever just be a good time?

5:46 p.m. - 2016-07-13


previous - next

latest entry

about me





random entry

other diaries: